It's that time of year again...
There are a lot of rather anonymous ballads this year, and it doesn't get much more anonymous than this. Whilst there's little that's offensive going on here, there's nothing especially memorable either. We do get a bit of Björk-esque wailing, but the song couldn't be more different from her music.
2. Trackshittaz - Woki Mit Deim Popo (Austria)
With the "w" pronounced as a "v" this sounds like an inappropriate usage of faeces, but I'm reliably informed it translates as "shake your bum". As rap entries go, this one is infuriatingly catchy. The chorus is hugely memorable and the insistent beat is somewhat infectious. It's absolutely terrible, of course, and yet I can't help but smile and chant along every time. (Woop! Woop!)
3. Sabina Babayeva - When The Music Dies (Azerbaijan)
Reigning champions Azerbaijan opt for yet another ballad, but this one is not quite up to their recent standard. It starts off in a lower register that doesn't sound altogether pleasant, but does build to a rousing chorus featuring a refrain of "cold, cold, cold" that could get stuck in your head.
4. Maya Sar - Korake Ti Znam (Bosnia & Herzegovina)
Yet another ballad, and yet another one of the more forgettable ones. I'd elaborate, but there is little distinctive about it. It has some Celtic pan pipes towards the end, if that helps.
5. Iris - Would You (Belgium)
Iris, bless her, doesn't have the greatest voice in the world, and this ballad might be amazing in the hands of a true powerhouse vocalist. Whilst it's definitely one of the more melodic ballads, it doesn't make enough of an impact on first listen, but it is a grower.
6. Sofi Marinova - Love Unlimited (Bulgaria)
Featuring the kind of production that was in vogue at the turn of the millennium, this dance track might sound great in a club, and is certainly one of the more contemporary-sounding songs that wouldn't sound out of place in the charts. Think Inna.
7. Litesound - We Are The Heroes (Belarus)
Beginning with a ballad fake-out, this soon turns into a pop-dance floor filler with a rousing, singalong chorus. I recommend hunting down the original, rockier mix that was far superior.
8. Sinplus - Unbreakable (Switzerland)
The first of this year's pop-rock anthems (now, anyway), it's pretty catchy in a blandly enjoyable kind of way that may find itself lodged in your head.
9. Ivi Adamou - La La Love (Cyprus)
One of the strongest tracks this year, it's a real club-thumping stomper of a track that wouldn't sound out of place on a Rihanna album. Deserves to be a huge chart hit.
10. Roman Lob - Standing Still (Germany)
One of the stronger slow tracks, it begins as a mid-tempo piano ballad that builds nicely with a slight rock edge. Definitely one of this year's more credible tracks.
11. Soluna Samay - Should've Known Better (Denmark)
This mid-tempo acoustic ballad is instantly catchy. Think Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn", and you'll be in the ball park. It's only let down a little by the mid-section when the rather lovely chorus wanders away, but it's one of my favourites.
12. Ott Lepland - Kuula (Estonia)
A full-on piano ballad, but the first with a male vocal. It's on the stronger end of the scale than most of its ballad competitors.
13. Pastora Soler - Quédate Conmigo (Stay With Me) (Spain)
Arguably the biggest of this year's big ballads, Soler sings her heart out with a song that's full of drama and big notes and a chorus even an Anglophone can sing along to.
14. Pernilla - När Jag Blundar (Finland)
A rather lovely little waltzy ballad, there's little memorable about this one, but it's definitely at worst a pleasant distraction.
15. Anggun - Echo (You and I) (France)
A rather catchy if unremarkable up-tempo pop song with a memorable whistled hook. The song is a little schizophrenic in its production and tempo, but has a familiar feel. Despite its title, it's sung mostly in French.
16. Engelbert Humperdinck - Love Will Set You Free (UK)
The controversial British entry is actually a decent acoustic ballad with a playful melody and strong vocals from "The Hump". Whilst I can't say it makes a huge impact, I can't deny that I enjoy it when it's on.
17. Anri Jokhadze - I'm A Joker (Georgia)
Deep sigh. Here we go. It's one of THOSE Eurovision songs that drags the contest into disrepute and deserves disappear into the anus of forgotten entries. Little more than a list of dreadfully tenuous rhymes with "joker", he's clearly having a ball at a party I can't wait to leave.
18. Eleftheria Eleftheriou - Aphrodisiac (Greece)
One of the more memorable and credible club anthems, but with a sprinkling of Eastern vibes, it's like the best song Shakira never recorded, but with less irritating vocals. Its "oh-oh-oh-oh-oh" chorus would also sound great on a dancefloor. Another favourite of mine, it does indeed make me dance, dance like a maniac.
19. Nina Badric - Nebo (Croatia)
In a year of many ballads, good and bad, this falls somewhere in the middle. The song's hook largely falls onto some background bell chimes in the chorus. Beginning with a weak, sparse intro, it soon builds and builds to hugely rousing, choral climax.
20. Compact Disco - Sound Of Our Hearts (Hungary)
My personal favourite of this year's ballads, the production reminds me a lot of Madonna's "The Power of Good-bye". Some might consider it bland, generic and over-familiar, but there's nothing wrong with that. Love it.
21. Jedward - Waterline (Ireland)
Let's face it, last year's "Lipstick" was pure genius. 5 seconds in, it was stuck in your head. This is a far more generic pop-rock song and its lack of gimmicks make it much less memorable. But it's Jedward, so I'm sure they'll find some way to stick in people's minds, as the song surely won't.
22. Izabo - Time (Israel)
Much like last year's Sebian entry, this captures that '60s Carnaby Street vibe, but with a sprinkling of '90s Britpop. In other words, it's as irritating as it is catchy. Which is very.
23. Greta Salóme & Jónsi - Never Forget (Iceland)
An epic Celtic ballad whose production instantly conjures mental images of forests, swords, fur coats and leather trousers. The specific melody may not stick in your head, but it will surely be remembered as "that Game of Thrones-y one I quite liked". Very strong.
24. Nina Zilli - L'Amore E' Femmina (Out Of Love) (Italy)
Instantly infectious, it mixes a ballsy attitude with a retro vibe to great effect. Think the perfect blend of Sandie Shaw and Amy Winehouse.
25. Donny Montell - Love Is Blind (Lithuania)
A bit of a mess, to put it mildly. Jumping around in style, from ballad to poor '90s disco production and back again, you can't help but feel there's a song in there somewhere trying to get out, but failing. By no means terrible, but I don't know what Lithuania were thinking entering this.
26. Anmary - Beautiful Song (Latvia)
There's something oddly sweet about the sentiment of this song, hoping that if she wins she (and the song) will become hugely successful. Neither is going to happen, but there is a rather lovely melody in there. Unfortunately something has become lost in the execution, and the weak vocals aren't helping.
27. Pasha Parfeny - Lautar (Moldova)
An odd title for a song in English (unless it's a person's name?) this should have been called Trumpet, and is one of those Eurovision songs that would never ever chart in the UK, and whilst it definitely doesn't even make my top 20 it does have a certain inexplicable appeal.
28. Rambo Amadeus - Euro Neuro (Montenegro)
This sounds like an old man grumbling over the bassline from Chemical Brothers' "Block Rocking Beats". There is very little singing involved, if any. Hands-down the worst song this year.
29. Kaliopi - Crno I Belo (FYR Macedonia)
Back to the anonymous female-led piano ballads. At least this one makes an ill-advised rockout in the second half that comes out of nowhere and disappears just as suddenly.
30. Kurt Calleja - This Is The Night (Malta)
Starting off promising, this has some nice chords and builds nicely to a hugely disappointing chorus. It almost redeems itself with a rather catchy "hey-ey-ey-ey-e-yay" refrain, but not quite.
31. Joan Franka - You And Me (Netherlands)
A folksy, acoustic song with a light country vibe, it has oodles of charm and I defy you to listen without swaying or rocking your shoulders.
32. Tooji - Stay (Norway)
Bits of this song are ace, in particular the bridge and the first half of the chorus, but the very irritating production throws in these horrid buzzes and alarm-like synth noises that stop me from loving this as much as I otherwise might.
33. Filipa Sousa - Vida Minha (Portugal)
The anonymous ballads resume. This one has more of an Eastern vibe, but is no more memorable for it.
34. Mandinga - Zaleilah (Romania)
Daft, gimmicky, playful and insanely catchy. Horns and accordions over a dance beat, it's a fine slice of Eurovision cheese.
35. Zeljko Joksimovic - Nije Ljubav Stvar (Serbia)
With a melody that reminds me of Coldplay's "Paradise" at times, this male-fronted piano ballad is full of Eastern promise, featuring a string-laden, thumping production.
36. Buranovskiye Babushki (Buranovo Grannies) - Party For Everybody (Russia)
Ask most people in the UK what they expect from Eurovision, and this will likely be what springs to mind. Beginning promisingly with a Lion King-like chant, it soon deteriorates out of nowhere into an excruciating pop-Cossack crossover that you will NOT get out of your head. But in a very bad way. UK voters will love it, in a rubbernecking-a-car-crash kind of way.
37. Loreen - Euphoria (Sweden)
Now we're talking. With David Guetta consistently riding high in the UK singles chart, why this hasn't been picked up by radio and become a monster hit in the UK already mystifies me. Easily the best entry this year, this could potentially give Eurovision music some much-needed credibility with British music buyers. The best example this year of a stomping club anthem, I'd love to see this fly u-u-u-u-u-u-up the UK charts.
38. Eva Boto - Verjamem (Slovenia)
And we arrive at the final ballad, and this one builds and builds. Throwing in harps, flutes, a military beat, and some VERY big notes, it ends just as you feel it's starting to go somewhere.
39. Max Jason Mai - Don't Close Your Eyes (Slovakia)
Eurovision goes Emo! Sounding like across between 30 Seconds to Mars and Panic at the Disco, the song has a rather melodic chorus, wrapped up in heavy guitars and wailing vocals. I have mixed feelings about it.
40. Valentina Monetta - The Social Network Song (Oh Oh - Uh - Oh Oh) (San Marino)
Originally titled "Facebook", this had to be re-recorded for breaching rules about advertising trademarked names. So "Facebook" was replaced with "Woah-oh"s and "hello"s, but I can't say the song has suffered any, as it was pretty dreadful to begin with. Valentina's inept vocals are smothered in auto tune and she's clearly at least double the age of the character she appears to be playing in a song full of cheap innuendo. Inappropriate, creepy, cheesy and just plain wrong.
41. Can Bonomo - Love Me Back (Turkey)
A sea shanty stretched out far beyond its welcome, this is simply fucking awful. But still not as bad as Euro Neuro. "Like me like I like you and say na na na na ne na ne na." Poetry.
42. Gaitana - Be My Guest (Ukraine)
Gaitana's vocals are very reminiscent of Anastacia's, and the song is all fun, positivity and P.A.R.T.Y. It's a singalong Anthem with a capital A, ending the album on a definite high.
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